I can't believe he's gone. Nicholas entered the MTC last Wed., March 18th to serve in the El Salvador West/Belize Mission. I'm not going to lie. This was extremely difficult for me. I was not prepared to feel the pain I did last Wednesday. Not at all.
The drive to the MTC was a little quiet, mostly because I was crying quietly, trying to fight it and not show anyone the emotions of having my son leave me for two years. I thought, "How in the world am I going to do the drop off? I'm going to lose it!" It was raining that day and when we drove in, there was a sea of black and white (dark suits, white shirts and black umbrellas). The system was quite orderly and we were directed among other cars to our "station" by a number of chaperones. There, there was a "Host" holding an umbrella waiting for Nicholas at our station. We opened the doors, he got his luggage, we had time to take one quick photo and they whisked him away. That was it. There wasn't time to cry or think about goodbye in those short minutes. It was all so fast and all for the better.
There was this immense emptiness with his absence that day when we returned home. Everyone could feel it. I was not a good mother to my little ones and probably took advantage of my mother being here for a visit. I curled up in bed and cried my eyes out. I had not cried like that since I was a little girl, you know the type where you actually hyperventillate because it hurts so much? I thought, "I can't do this. Two years?" Yes, everyone says he's doing the right thing and of course I know this but it doesn't make missing my son any easier. Two years of this? No way.
There is a void in our home. Nicholas is truly one of my best friends. We laugh together, we tease one another, we get on each other's nerves and are honest about it. We watch TV shows together. We philosophize together. We cry together. We argue with one another or you can call it disagree. We listen to music together. We share our tesimonies with each other.
I miss him so much.
I was a wreck. If you were to see me Thursday morning, the day after the MTC drop off, you would have known - puffy eys, blotchy face, etc. Thursday night was an interesting night. I went down to the basement where Nicholas has his room and I smelled him. Boys have this distinct scent - not necessarily bad but distinct. I got really nostaligic. I know. It had only been 1 1/2 days. I went to his room to look for something and I saw two t- shirts in his hamper. What did I do? Well I picked one up of course and took in a big smell. I completely lost it once again. Then I picked up the other shirt and did the same thing. Sigh . . . it was a good cry. I needed that last heavy cry. I stayed and sat in his room for awhile touching his things, looking at books on his bookshelf; some of which I had given him over the years. I could see the transition right there in front of me from boyhood to manhood. It brought a smile to my face. I could recalled certain books at certain stages of life like Grimms Fairy Tales, Captiain Underpants, Beverly Cleary, Stuart Little, Madeleine L'Engle, Tennis Shoes and the Nephits series, church books - Boys Who Became Prophets, CS Lewis, Harry Potter, The Da Vinci Code, Wuthering Heights, and on and on.
When I finally heard from him on Saturday, my world changed. For I knew what transpired since he was whisked away. Visualizing his day brought me comfort and peace. Imagine not hearing a word from your child or know what he is doing for 3 days. Silly, I know but after this first letter, I am stronger. I have asked Heavenly Father to give me strenghth to be a good missionary mom. It is amazing how quickly this prayer has been answered. My missing him now is different. It is healthy and with the reassurance that we will all be taken care of. His service to the people of El Salvador and Belize is paramount. I know the people in El Salvador need him more than me at this time. (I write this with tears flowing down my face).
Fridays are P-Days. Fridays and Saturdays are now my happiest days of the week. Tomorrow I will get an email and Saturday a letter.
I love you , my son. I am proud of you. I honor you.
Mom
Drop off at MTC with my sweet mother who is not a member of the church but we are praying for it. Ella and Aidan, failed to mention, also cried their little hearts off this day. Aidan, 5, cried laying on my chest on the couch until he finally fell asleep. Ella, the brave, quiet one, cried by herself in her room until I came to find her. Bless her little heart.
At the Provo Temple with Granparents Dan and Marianne Shelton, his dad, Todd and Matt and I. Oh what a happy day!
